If You Were My Girl
by GeneralQuistis-Zhakeena
Summary: The inevitable happens when Vincent turns into... a woman. (Mwahahahahahah!!!) Care to read this?
1. 1

If You Were My Girl 

By: General Quistis & Zhakeena

Disclaimer: Do you really think we own FF7? We don't! Okay? We also don't own the songs that some of them are singing here…

Authors' note: To play on the safer side, we just made this "extra-special"… and added some weird humor… gyah… oh by the way, did we mention that this is sort of like an alternate universe thing wherein Sephiroth, Aerith and Rufus are still alive, blah blah blah… you get it.

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SETTING 1: Battle with Sephiroth

            Vincent's HP is about to drop to zero; so, Cloud handed him a potion. "Here, take it! That's the only one left!" he told Vincent.

"Thanks!" Vincent said before taking it…

FLASHBACK SCENE:

            "Oh no… we really need to stock up on those potions…" Tifa told them.

"But what are we gonna do? There aren't any shops all over this place… and you just can't pick up any of those here… besides, we've killed all the monsters we can find and still no potion." Cloud told her.

Suddenly, a gypsy trailer wheeled near them. Cloud blinked a few times in confusion, wondering what such a thing would be doing in a place like that.

"Oh my gawd! A gypsy trailer! Meaning there's a gypsy inside! Heeheehee! I'd better get my fortune now!" Yuffie said excitedly.

Inside the gypsy trailer, Reeve and Scarlet looked at the hero party in terror. 

"Oh no… it's THEM!" Scarlet muttered in panic.

"I know!" Reeve said.

"Kyah… so much for sneaking out for a day-off from ShinRa… now they're gonna make us stop!" she snapped.

Yeah, Cloud made them stop by saying, "Excuse me,"

Reeve stopped the trailer.

"KYAH! What the hell did you just do!? You stopped it?!" Scarlet scolded.

"I have to, or else one of them's gonna go after us and the more we'll seem suspicious!" Reeve reasoned as he grabbed a blanket. "Here, wear this and go outside and talk to them." He commanded.

"Kyah… where's the gypsy who owned this nasty trailer anyway?" she asked.

"Don't you remember? You threw her out of this thing. Now go!" he said.

"Kyah… fine! Why do I always get to do the dirty job!?" Scarlet snapped before stepping out, putting the blanket over her head to serve as some kind of veil.

"Good afternoon, Gypsy Lady!!!" Yuffie said, giggling. 

"Kyah! Er… good aftah-noon, dahlings!!!!" Scarlet greeted.

Tifa raised an eyebrow. "Kyah?" she thought. "Now where did I hear that before…" she stopped her thoughts when she saw the red heels. "What the…" Though she isn't sure, so she just shut her mouth and turned away, standing behind Aerith.

"Can you tell my fortune today? Huh? Huh? Can you? Heeheehee!" Yuffie asked, jumping up and down as she approached the "gypsy".

"Eh… yeah! Sure! Here goes: Uhm… everyone you know will get one year older! Kyah!" Scarlet said.

"That's too @#$%^%$ obvious! You're a fraud!" Cid snapped impatiently.

"KYAH! Stop yelling at me, you hooligan!" Scarlet snapped impatiently before pointing a finger at Cid. "You will die in seven days!" she threatened.

"Yeah, right…" Cid muttered, making a face.

"Uh… Ma'am, do you have some potions?" Aerith asked with a kind smile on her face, wanting to change the subject before Cid could harm the gypsy.

"Oh, of course, my dear Flower Girl!" Scarlet said.

Aerith blinked. "How'd you know I'm a flower girl?" she asked.

Scarlet felt like shrinking. "Oh no…" she thought. "I'll get busted!" she thought.

"Don't be silly, Aerith. That woman's a gypsy! She can read minds! Right? Heeheeheeheehee!" Yuffie said.

"Oh yeah? Well if you can read minds, prove it, gypsy woman! What is Tifa thinking right now?" Barret snapped.

Tifa turned to them with a look of awe on her face. "Why me?!" she wailed in awe.

"Shit… Kyah…" Scarlet muttered miserably before turning to Tifa. "Hmmm… now, what would she be most likely thinking about now…" she thought quietly.

"I'm really not in the mood for this, you know," Tifa told them with an impatient look on her face.

"KYAH! You are thinking of marrying… marrying some blonde guy with blue eyes… and…" Scarlet trailed off, seeing Aerith eyeing Cloud with a nasty look on her face, so she continued with a non-hesitant tone, "…AND HIS NAME STARTS WITH AN R!"

"What?!" Tifa exclaimed, covering her mouth.

"What's wrong?" Yuffie asked.

Tifa stared at the gypsy. "How did…" she turned red before turning away.

Yuffie screamed excitedly. "AN R AN R AN R?!?!? Wait, I know that one!!!!" 

"No, don't!" Tifa screamed, but… 

"IT'S RUUUUUUDEE!!!!!" Yuffie exclaimed.

Tifa face-faulted but she somewhat sighed in relief. 

"But… he's bald! He doesn't have blonde hair…" Aerith said while picturing the bald Turk in her thoughts. Then, she froze and gasped before turning to Tifa. The expression on Aerith's face had revealed to Tifa that she had guessed who the guy is already. Aerith just smiled teasingly at Tifa.

"There are over a billion blue-eyed blondes all over the world with names starting in R so just stop it, okay?" Tifa asked with a weak smile on her face.

"Why are you trembling?" Vincent asked, Tifa realizing that he was already teasing her.

"I. Am. Not." Tifa mumbled before snorting and turning away.

"Uh… so, Ma'am… back to the potions thing…" Cloud began.

"OH! Kyahahahahahahahahaha! Potions? Of course, I've got a lot of potions!" she told him before handing him….. an antidote. 

Cloud's mouth twisted a little. "Er… no offense, but… this is an antidote. I was asking for a potion?" 

Scarlet gritted her teeth. "Oh. How. Silly of me. Be right back, dah-lings…" she said before going in the trailer. Once inside, she went towards Reeve and strangled him. "Okay, Reeve, they're asking for potions now!! You got any to give to them?! Huh?! Huh?!" she whisper-screeched at him. 

Reeve choked out, "Oh-no-no-no… P-p-please stop th-that…" Scarlet let him go, and Reeve inhaled in oxygen. 

"What are we going to do?! I don't think saying that we don't have any potion will send them away!" Scarlet whined. 

"Uh… Okay, let me think, let me think… Oh! Here, give them some of these," Reeve said, taking out some vials from his coat pockets. 

Scarlet examined the green, glowing liquid inside them. "Uh… what are these? These are definitely not potions," she pointed out. 

"Those are some of Prof. Hojo's experimental rejects… he's been asking me to get rid of them. I guess I just keep putting it off," Reeve explained as he pushed Scarlet out of the trailer. "Now go!"

"Kyah!" Scarlet managed to squeak before she was out to meet Cloud and co. She smiled at them uneasily and showed them one of the vials. "Heheh… sorry I'm a bit late, dah-lings. This gem got lost with all the other … er… usual potions…" 

Cloud raised one blonde eyebrow at her and said, "Uh… no offense again, but we just need maybe a hi-potion, or—

"SO what makes them different from the other potions, Miss Gypsy?" Yuffie asked, interrupting Cloud. Cloud rolled his eyes. 

"Er… this thing here… is like an Elixir! But it's not actually… So I would advise you people to not use this unless **really **necessary…" Scarlet said. 

"So what makes it different from a ^#$%#*' elixir, then?!" Cid  asked. 

"I'm afraid… uh… your mediocre-type brain cannot comprehend the wonders of this potion here… heheheh!" Scarlet answered uneasily. 

"@^&#!!!!" 

"Cool! How much is it?!" Yuffie asked. 

"Er… since you people are willing to buy it from me… more than other people… how's 7500 gil sound?" 

Cloud shook his head. "Lady, we are not buying that thing for—

"We'll take it!!!" Yuffie exclaimed. 

"WHAT?!" 

"Aw, c'mon!!! It glows and stuff, right?!" 

"For crying out loud, Red XIII's piss glows and stuff!!!" Cloud snapped impatiently. 

"Hey! That hurt, you know," Red XIII said, giving Cloud a look that meant, "I'm-gonna-bite-ya-later-buddy." 

"Okay, okay, fine… I'll just give it away for free! Courtesy of… Shin…I mean… Courtesy of me! Kyahahahaha!" Scarlet said.

"Did you just say _ShinRa?_" Tifa mocked with a nasty smile on her face.

"No." Scarlet said after a few moments of silence because she was staring at Tifa and giving her a "go ahead, make my day" look.  

"Okay, guys, let's just get out of here… We've wasted enough time already…" Cloud said, rubbing his forehead. 

As his party left, Scarlet and Reeve looked at them walking off into the sunset. 

"Kyah… good riddance." 

"Yeah… I hope Strife isn't stupid enough to use that thing, though…" 

ANYWAY… BACK TO THE BATTLE WITH SEPHIROTH. 

Vincent had little time to ponder on why the potion he poured on himself glowed. He felt the liquid go into his wounds, cooling them down. "Aaaah…." He groaned. 

Wait a minute. That wasn't Vincent's voice…. 

Cloud paused when Sephiroth, looking at them mockingly, paused. "What the hell…?" Sephiroth asked. 

Cloud followed his gaze, which was on Vincent. Except… 

"VINCENT?!" he exclaimed. Aerith, curious, looked over to their raven-haired Ex-Turk party member, too. The rest of the party, who were watching the battle from one lonely corner of the battling area, looked at Vincent too. Well, bottom line was they had pretty much the same reaction as Cloud. 

"Oh. My. God…" 

"What? Why are you guys looking at me?" Vincent asked… and his covered he mouth, realizing that his voice had changed… It sounded feminine…

TOO FEMININE!

More feminine than Aerith's or Tifa's… or even Lucrecia's… 

"OH MY GAWD!" Vincent screamed.

Sephiroth's jaw dropped upon staring at him. "What the… what happened?" he asked, accidentally letting go of his Masamune.

"VINCENT IS A WOMAN!!!!" Cloud screamed. 

A collective gasp from the rest of the party emanated. 

"NO! Cloud, what kind of potion did you give me?!?!" 

"Uh…" Cloud racked his brain, trying to remember the source of that potion. An image of a gypsy came to mind… "I don't remember?" 

"Cloud…"

"Okay, it was from that gypsy, if you remember..." Cloud replied.

Before anyone could make some other remark, Tifa began to laugh. Everyone turned to her. "What the bloody hell do you find so funny now, Tifa?!?!" Vincent snapped. He… or she paused, realizing that being a woman made him… or her, crankier than usual. 

"Oh, nothing… I just remembered. That gypsy was Scarlet…" Tifa replied. 

"WHAT?! I knew it was ShinRa scum!!!" Barret exclaimed. 

"Why didn't you say anything, Tifa?" Aerith asked with a worried look on her face. 

"Hmph. You guys didn't give me a chance, with you… teasing me about that thing she said…" Tifa said, pouting. 

"Oh, you mean that one about Rude?" Yuffie asked with a happy face. Everyone face-faulted…yes, including Sephiroth.

"Uhm… not to change subject… but I'M STILL A WOMAN!!!!" Vincent screeched. 

"Okay, Vinny, don't have a PMS like the rest of them…" Cid said. Tifa, Aerith and Yuffie glared at him. 

Vincent frowned. Then he noticed Sephiroth staring at him… or her. Whatever. "And just what are you staring at?!" SHE snapped.

Sephiroth blushed and turned away.

The next thing they knew, he was already running off…

Escaping.

But they all couldn't move… until Tifa burst out laughing hysterically.

"Stop it, Tifa…" Cloud muttered.

"I…I can't! It's too… hilarious! Hahahahahahahahaha! I think Sephiroth has a crush on Vinny!" Tifa announced.  

The rest of them froze. Then, Cid burst out laughing too. "&^%$#!!!! What would that Lucrecia chick think?!?! Bwahahaahahaah!!!!!" 

Cloud, flabbergasted, turned to Vincent. Well, suddenly, the caped Ex-Turk turned pale, twitched, mumbled a "No…" then ran away crying and screaming. "OH GOD NO!!!!!!" 

____________________

ON TO CHAPTER TWO!!!! 


	2. 2

If You Were My Girl 

By: General Quistis & Zhakeena

Disclaimer: Do you really think we own FF7? We don't! Okay? We also don't own the songs that some of them are singing here…

________________________________________________________________ 

SETTING: Outside of ShinRa Mansion, wherein Cloud and co. minus Vincent are talking. 

"So, is he all right, girls?" Cloud asked as Tifa and Aerith emerged from the Mansion. 

"No, he… I mean, she's still crying over the fact that Lucrecia would never forgive him… I mean, her for that…" Aerith said, shaking her head. 

"So now, he's… she's gonna lock HERself in HER coffin for another 30 years… or at least, she said so…" Tifa explained, shrugging.

"Hehehehe… why would he even be… I mean, why would she even be thinking about Lucrecia at this matter? *snicker* Some guy already admires her! I mean, Vinny is sexier than Tifa now! Ya know?! Bwahahahahahahahaha!" Barret teased.

"Oh no…" Red XIII muttered, turning away, sensing Tifa clenching her fists.

POW!

"Ow, Shi', FOO!" Barret cursed. Cid was laughing at the whole ordeal so hard he couldn't cuss anymore. 

"Geez, maybe I'm going crazy, but I think that THEY'D BE SO FRICKIN' CUTE TOGETHER!!!!" Yuffie exclaimed, giggling.  

Cloud sighed. "You are a sick, sick person, Yuffie…" 

"Wait, you said that that foo's gonna lock herself up in that coffin for another 30 years?" Barret asked, turning to Tifa.

"Yeah, why?" Tifa asked while stifling a giggle.

"Well… what about Sephiroth? He's gonna be broken-hearted! *snicker*" Cloud said, finally giving in.

Everyone burst out laughing…

From a distance, a pair of green eyes peered through the darkness, eyeing Cloud and Co. angrily. "How dare you mock the sweetest of the sweetest girl I've ever seen…" he muttered to himself. "Her eyes are prettier than Aerith's… Voice is more melodious than Tifa's… and… for crying out loud, Vinny's body is more of a wonderland!!!!! Mwahahahahahahahaha!" His laughter was very loud, Cloud and the others heard it.

"Did you hear something?" Cloud asked.

"Something like Mwahahahahahahah!" Aerith answered, imitating the 'Mwahahahah' awkwardly. 

"Hmmm… I think Vinny might have a visitor later…" Tifa said, narrowing her eyes. 

"What do you mean by a $#@^*& visitor?!" Cid asked. 

"Yeah, I kinda think you're right, Teef… what say some of us guard him… Oh… HER?!" Cloud suggested. 

"Why prevent love from blossoming! Live and let live! Let the lil' lovebirds have their own way with their love!" Aerith said with a dreamy look on her face while trying to stifle a laugh.

"Heeheehee! But first, let's give Vinny a lecture about _the birds and the bees!_ Heeheeheehee!" Yuffie giggled hysterically.

"Hahahahaha! And maybe Sephiroth might need that too! Hahahahahahahahahaha!" Tifa laughed.

The others laughed too.

Sephiroth could feel a nerve twitching from his head. "How dare you mock me… hmf!" he flipped his hair…

And he fell off the tree.

Fine, he's sitting on the tree and the hand he was using to hold on to a branch was the hand that he used to flip his hair, so he fell.

Cloud and co. heard a rustle.

"What was that?" Aerith asked.

"Maybe it's just a panther. Let's go to my old house," Cloud told them.

"I'll just be in my own house…" Tifa told them before going to the other direction.

"I'm comin' with ya!" Yuffie sprinted to Tifa.

Aerith scratched her head, wondering if she should remain with Cloud or hang-out with the girls, but she just decided to go with the girls. "See you guys tomorrow!" Aerith said, waving to the guys before running towards Tifa and Yuffie. 

"Hah, nice goin' Strife, ya missed yer &^#$'in chance to score!" Cid mumbled to Cloud. 

"Yeah, whatever Cid…" Cloud said. 

Sephiroth snickered softly. "Cloud didn't score… but I sure will!" and turning his gaze to the ShinRa Mansion, he smiled impishly. "With my Vinny. Mwahahahahahahahahaha….." he continued.

Cloud jerked. "Did you hear that?" he asked.

"It's that Mwahahahahahahaha again," Red XIII said, imitating the laugh.

"Uh… maybe it's just an owl," Cid told them.

Sephiroth twitched. "I'm no Owl!" he stood up and marched to the ShinRa Mansion. Stealthily, of course. Better not ask for a crowd… 

MEANWHILE, IN THE BASEMENT OF THE SHIN-RA MANSION…

Soft sobs emanated from the inside of Vincent Valentine's casket. "Stupid… feminine hormones… I'm not supposed to be this emotional!" he… or she sniffled. 

Eyes adjusting in the dark, she tried to look down on herself. "I didn't think being like Tifa would feel so… funny…" he/she mumbled. (Damn these pronouns.) 

Silence. Silence… Finally, Vincent felt like sleeping… maybe crying finally wore the ruby eyes out… 

"Your body is a wonderland… Your body is a wonder, I'll use my hands…" 

Vincent's eyes shot WIIIIIIDE open. "Oh. My. God…" 

And POOF! The lid of the casket popped open, causing Vinny to scream like, "AIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!" and it was so shrill and so loud that it reached Tifa's house and Cloud's house. Duh.

Vincent jumped up, landing FAAAR away from the visitor. "Wha… wha… WHOT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!?!" she exclaimed. 

The visitor, who was obviously Sephiroth, took a few moments to stop the ringing in his ears caused by Vinny's shrill shriek, then smirked. A few moments of silence afterwards; none of them made a move. "What, are we just gonna stare at each other all night?" Sephiroth asked. 

Before he knew it, Vinny got the Death Penalty. "Well, I might. Just stare at your bloody carcass all night…" she said. 

Sephiroth's smile grew wider. "You have no idea how seductive that sounded…" 

Vincent wanted to scream again. "Oh no… instead of scaring him away, I ended up… ew… seducing him… I know what to do!" she thought with a bright idea before speaking up, "You know, I love your silver hair… It's very sexy and…" she trailed off when Sephiroth just took her in his arms and puckered up. "Oh yeah, I know that very well, Vinny Baby," he said.

Vincent was thinking, "Bad idea, Vincent… nice going… you thought that reverse psychology would ward him off, but NO! IT JUST FRIGGIN' WORSENED! AAAARGH!" and pushed Sephiroth away. "LEAVE ME ALONE!" Vincent shrieked as he ran away.

Sephiroth flipped his hair. "Mwahahahahahaha! Playin' hard to get, eh? Mwahahahaha. Turns me on!" he said before running after Vinny.

All the while Vincent was running, she was all like, "This is NOT happening… How did the so-called great Sephiroth have a crush on me?! I'm a 6-foot tall man-turned-woman, for crying out loud!!! Oh, shi'!!! Why me?! Why me??????"

Unfortunately for Vincent, running as a woman was a bit hard for her. Fortunately for Sephiroth, all that SOLDIER training he did worked for him. He tackled Vincent from the back and was able to grab her roughly about the shoulders and—

"EEEEEEEK!!!! HELP!!! CLOUD! AERITH! TIFA! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, HEEEEEELP!!!! RAPIST! RAPIST!!!!" she screeched, right on Sephiroth's face. Imagine how that felt on his poor ears…

*** 

            MIDGAR

Rufus turned to the window with a perplexed look on his face. "What was that?" he asked.

"I dunno… it sounded like someone's getting raped or something… Gyah…" Heidegger replied with a sick expression on his face.

Rufus made a face. "Oh pooh! That's gross… find those two disgusting people who are making honky-honkies out there and ward them off." He told them.

"But why?" Heidegger asked.

"Honky-honky?" Rude thought silently.

"As much as possible, I'm trying to get Midgar clean, free of perverts and the like. Now, if it was outside of Midgar, that's a different story, but it's quite unlikely…" 

Suddenly, Reeve came stumbling in the room, grasping the doorframe for dear life. He looked like he'd been through a hurricane. 

"Gyah… Talked with Scarlet again, Reeve?" Heidegger asked with a teasing grin. 

"Heheheheh… maybe he's the one getting raped by… SCARLET! *snicker*" Reno teased.

Rufus raised an eyebrow while trying to stifle a grin.

"N-no… T-trouble w-with the AVALANCHE c-c-crew…" Reeve replied. 

"Why? What about that bunch?" Elena asked. 

"W-well… I was checking up on Cait Sith when he heard a really, really, REALLY loud scream… I don't know, but for some strange reason…" Reeve trailed off, still shaking, ears ringing. 

"What? What? Please finish your sentences, Reeve," Rufus said, frowning. 

"Well… That ex-Turk Vincent Valentine turned into a woman and is now being sexually harassed by ex-SOLDIER Sephiroth as we speak…" Reeve said. Man, you could have sworn he has spirals for his eyes. Now we know why Vincent didn't choose to scream… 

"HEY HEY HEY!!!!" Reno exclaimed, that glint in his eyes showing again. "C'mon, show us Cait Shit's… I mean, Cait Sith's monitor!" he convinced Reeve as he shook him frantically.

Reeve pushed Reno away from himself. "Ugh… get away from me! That's disgusting! Vincent is a MAN!" he reasoned.

"You mean, **_was_** a man!" Reno corrected.

"Stop it, Reno." Rufus snapped before turning to Reeve. "Pardon me, Reeve… but, where the hell are they?" he asked.

"ShinRa Mansion, Nibelheim…" Reeve replied uneasily.

Rufus's eyes grew wide in awe and turned away, flipping his hair. "Man… that was some scream…" he said, trying to stop himself from laughing.

***

Sephiroth fell over from that UBER LOUD scream. "Ow…" he mumbled, trying to stop his poor ears from ringing. "Okay, I think I've gone deaf…" he muttered glumly as he slowly got up and looked around the hallway, realizing that he had lost Vinny. He cringed and clenched his fists and let out a dramatic "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" with a dramatic pose… You know those poses from the movies and there's lightning striking from behind? And he's standing on a cliff? Though he's really inside the house… duh… you get the picture.

He looked up at the ceiling with teary but determined eyes and smiled with a determined look on his face. "I have to find her!" he swore.

*** 

Tifa got up from her seat upon hearing someone knocking frantically on the front door. "Coming!" she called out before opening the door, and she gasped upon seeing Vinny standing there, looking disheveled. Tifa stopped herself from laughing, "Oh, so are you still a virgin?" she asked teasingly.

Vinny growled and pushed her aside, stepping inside and stomping her way to the kitchen where Yuffie and Aerith were eating their dinner. 

Yuffie and Aerith's mouths dropped open upon seeing Vinny.

"Uh… what's the problem?" Yuffie asked.

"Hide me! Sephiroth is going to… to… OH YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!!!" Vinny explained frantically.

Tifa covered her mouth to stop herself from laughing as she approached Vinny and got her hand. "Let's go upstairs, we'll hide you in my bedroom, he won't find you there, I promise," she said.

Vinny sniffed, the female emotions getting to her nerves already. She was actually crying and it made the girls' hearts sink.

*** 

            Sephiroth stopped by the well and looked around, scanning the whole village. "I'm pretty sure she's in one of those houses… I need help… I'd better find her… I don't care about Mother anymore… I've found the girl of my dreams!" he said as he headed for Cloud's house and just barged in, surprising everyone inside.

Everyone was speechless as Sephiroth knelt down before Cloud and got his hands. "Please, please, please! I beg of you! Where is my Vinny Baby?" he asked.

Cloud raised his eyebrows, feeling so ridiculous.

Cid and Barret rushed out of the house so that their laughter wouldn't be heard.

"Eh… uhm… I don't know… but… did you really make her scream like that? Man, you must be good!" Cloud joked, not really knowing what to say or how to react.

Sephiroth got up and flipped his hair. "Hah! I haven't touched her yet… but I SOON WILL! I swear to JENOVA…" and faced Cloud again with a serious look on his face, "Please, help me… I promise I won't harm any of you any more! I'll be a good boy now!" he said.

"You're crazy," Cloud pointed out.

I'm not crazy! I'm just a little unwell…" Sephiroth sang.

"Oh… okay… figures… but anyway, your little girlfriend could be in… in ShinRa. You know? She kinda looks like Tifa, maybe Rufus thought that Vinny's Tifa… so…."

Sephiroth didn't let Cloud finish, he just screamed another dramatic "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! THAT SHIN-RA WILL TASTE THE MASAMUNE'S…." 

"No, just kidding, man…" Cloud said, interrupting Sephiroth's dramatic monologue. 

Sephiroth frowned, then unsheathed the Masamune anyway. "Okay, Cloud, seriously. Where is my soulmate?!?!" he demanded with a deranged look in his eyes and while tracing the katana's oh-so-sharp edge. 

Cloud gulped. "Uh… I think she went at… uh… Tifa's house? Eheheh…" 

"Tifa's house… hmm…" Sephiroth just walked out of the house.

Cloud started laughing.

Red XIII just shook  his head in disbelief. "Oh dear… it's gonna be a long night…" he thought miserably.


	3. 3

If You Were My Girl 

By: General Quistis & Zhakeena

Disclaimer: Do you really think we own FF7? We don't! Okay? We also don't own the songs that some of them are singing here…

________________________________________________________________ 

            MIDGAR AGAIN. 

"Man, you guys are no fun…" Reno muttered. 

"Stop complaining, Reno. Now, Reeve, can you explain everything to us?" Rufus asked. 

"Uhhmmmm…. I don't know how to start," Reeve answered hesitantly. 

Then, Scarlet entered the foray. "Kyah… what's going on here?" she asked. 

"Oh, pah-fect, Scarlet. Somehow, I know you have something to do with all these. Talk," Rufus said, turning to her coldly. 

"What? Talk about what?" Scarlet asked in total perplexity.

"Oh you know…" Rufus said.

"Know what?" Scarlet asked.

"The potion thing," Reeve pointed out with a glum look on his face.

Scarlet fell silent.

"Well?" Rufus asked.

"Kyah… it's actually one of Hojo's old formulas which can turn a guy into a girl… kyah… Hojo asked Reeve to get rid of it, but… uh… certain circumstances led us to giving that formula to AVALANCHE. Go figure. Kyah…" Scarlet explained. 

"… Certain circumstances? Enlighten us," Rufus said, looking at Scarlet and Reeve doubtfully. 

"Oh, man…" Reeve mumbled under his breath. 

BACK TO NIBELHEIM. 

"Damn it! What the hell is happening?! Why do I have a feeling that the potion I drank was some kind of…" Vinny narrowed her eyes in annoyance and disgust, "…Hojo's doing…" she muttered as she covered herself with the blanket. "Grr… and thanks to Tifa for lending me a brassiere… I really needed it…" she thought miserably. "…though I think I'm not really a 36D…" she mumbled, looking at herself and feeling so disgusted. She had to admit… it _is_ bigger than Tifa's. "Damn." She mumbled, realizing that Tifa's brassiere was really tight on her.

"You know, if you keep on mumbling and talking to yourself under those sheets, Sephy baby will really hear you,"

Vinny froze. "Oh no… it's…" she thought miserably.

The blanket came off and with it came the sound "AHA! There you are, mon cherie!" 

Vinny screeched again. "AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

*** 

            Tifa, Yuffie and Aerith rushed to the upstairs bedroom and upon opening the door of Tifa's bedroom, they screamed too.

Well… like fan girls, anyway. You know, something like that. Well, how would you feel if you saw Sephiroth kissing Vinny oh-so-forcefully?

*** 

            Rufus froze, so did the other executives and the Turks.

"Screaming again?" Reno asked.

"That's it, Hojo's formula is dangerous! Let's head for Nibelheim!" Rufus declared.

*** 

            "Uh-oh," Cloud said when all of Nibelheim (and probably half of the Planet) heard the chorus of screams. 

"Let them be…" Cid said with a wink.

"But… but… but… Aerith is there!" Cloud reasoned, pulling out his buster sword.

"Nah, she'll be okay," Barret said.

*** 

            Okay, so Tifa, Yuffie and Aerith just screamed for the sake of letting out the tension of too much excitement.

Vinny punched Sephiroth's face, causing him to fly to the window. That must have really hurt, because Vinny used her claw to do the punching… 

"And don't you DARE put your ICKY tongue in my MOUTH again! EEEEWWW!!!!" Vinny screeched out, spitting out before running off again.

Sephiroth got up and chased her again.

Tifa, Yuffie and Aerith were just laughing there…

"Man, this is really hilarious!" Yuffie giggled.

"You said it… are they gonna end up with each other!?" Aerith asked.

Tifa turned to Sephiroth, "Hey, Mister Sephiroth!" she called out.

Sephiroth stopped and faced her with a frown on his face. "What?" he asked.

"Can I be Vinny's maid of honor for your wedding?" Tifa asked.

"And can I be the flower girl?" Aerith asked.

Yuffie snickered. "Can I sing the wedding song?" she asked.

Sephiroth smiled at them. "Sure." He said before running off again. "I'm coming for you, Vinny Baby!" he called out with a singsong voice.

*** 

            Meanwhile, a helicopter carrying Rufus, the Execs and the Turks hovered over Nibelheim. 

"KYAH~! Why do we have to stuff ourselves in one helicopter?!?!" Scarlet said, trying hard to shove Heidegger away. The General managed to give off a "Gyah!" as the chopper rocked violently. 

"Hey, don't push the fat guy this way!!" Reno squeaked as Heidegger's weight squished him against Elena and Rude. 

"Stop complaining, you lot. We're about to land, anyway…" Rufus said. (He was sitting all alone at the front, by the way.) 

"Gyah… where are we going to land?" Heidegger asked.

"I don't know," Rufus muttered with an unsure look on his face before turning to Reeve who was piloting the chopper. "Is the helipad by the ShinRa Mansion still there or is it already covered with grass?" he asked.

"I am not sure, President Rufus, but we'll just land our chopper there." Reeve replied before swerving to the direction of the ShinRa Mansion.

Reno peered outside the window, overlooking the town and his eyes narrowed upon seeing a beautiful black-haired woman running down the streets of Nibelheim. "Hey-hey-hey! Rude! Check out the hot girl!!!" 

Curious, Elena looked at the said hot girl. "Hey… she looks familiar…" she said aloud.

Heidegger had to squeeze Reno to the wall of the chopper so that he could peer outside too, "Is that Tifa?" he asked.

Rufus instantly turned his head to the direction where everyone was looking. "Where?" he asked.

Oops. Obvious.

Everyone turned to Rufus with looks of disbelief.

"Never mind," Rufus looked away, turning red.

"Okay, everyone, we're landing right now," Reeve announced as he guided the chopper downwards. 

Vinny looked up as she ran as far away as possible from Tifa's house. "Wha… a chopper?! Escape!!!" she exclaimed as she ran over to where the said chopper was landing. 

The moment he arrived there, she saw Rufus coming down from the chopper. Vinny stopped for a while, not really knowing what to do. "Damn… of all… why Rufus?! He might shoot my brains… OH WHO CARES!" she ran to Rufus with a frantic look on her face. "Hey! President Rufus!" she called out.

Rufus froze, his eyes widening upon seeing Vinny. "What the…" he exclaimed.

From afar, they could hear a loud "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Vinny instantly hid behind Rufus. "Oh please! Oh please, hide me! SAVE ME!" she pleaded desperately.

"Man, Vincent Valentine's too girly already… what did Hojo put in that potion anyway?" Reeve muttered.

"Kyah… who cares!" Scarlet snapped.

"Maybe Professor Hojo put the following ingredients there: Sugar, spice and everything nice…" Rude pointed out.

"Yeah… the ingredients that Scarlet badly needs! Hehehehehe!" Tseng teased. Scarlet pushed him out of the chopper as a reply. "Yagh!" he screamed out as he fell out of the chopper, long, silken black hair cascading all over him. (DUH!) 

The "Mwahahahahahahahaha" came nearer but stopped. "Vinny Baby!" the voice said happily.

Rufus took a few steps backward with Vinny still hiding behind him. Sephiroth went past Rufus and Vinny (he didn't really notice Vinny behind Rufus) and ran to Tseng and hugged him tightly. 

"AAAAAAAAAARRGH! NOOOOO! Lemme go, you horny old galloot!" Tseng yelled in panic, his Wutaian accent slipping out as he spoke.

Sephiroth gasped and pushed him away. "You! You impostor! YOU MUST DIE!!!" he pulled out his Masamune.

"NO!" Vinny said, then covered her mouth. "Damn." She thought miserably.

Sephiroth turned to Vinny and his mouth dropped open when he saw that she was hiding behind Rufus. "Is that your new boyfriend? You chose that rich brat over me?!" he said dramatically before running to them and pushing Rufus aside before taking Vinny's hands in his. "I know I may not be able to offer you diamond earrings and give you free tickets to the Gold Saucer… but I love you." And he sang, "But my love is all I have to give…"

Vinny slapped his face. "ARGH! You're so cheesy! You're so corny! I don't like you! I AM A MAN!" she yelled.

"No, you're not," Rufus corrected with a wink.

"Hey, lay off that winking, ShinRa. Vinny's mine!" Sephiroth snapped, showing Rufus his fist.

Rufus just flipped his hair. "Hmf. Go ahead and take her. I don't care. Marry her for all I care, go ahead. You want me to lend you a white limo for that special occasion?" he asked with a silly smile on his face.

"Sure!" Sephiroth said happily.

"NO!" Vinny protested.

Sephiroth turned back to Vinny. "We're gonna get married in the Church in Sector 6…" he began.

"NO!" Vinny protested.

"…and Tifa will be your maid of honor." He continued.

"No!" Vinny protested.

"…Aerith will be the flower girl!" he said.

"No!" she said. 

"Cloud will be the ring-bearer!"

"NO!" 

"Rufus will be my best man!"

 Reeve will be the godfather; Scarlet will be the godmother…"

"NO!!!!!" 

"Hojo will walk you down the aisle……"

"…… AND EVERYONE WILL WEAR GREEN!!!!! Mwahahahahahahaha!"

"NO! I hate that color!"

"And for our honeymoon, we'll go to Costa del Sol and I'm gonna lay you down in a bed of roses!"

"NOOOOOO!" Vinny wanted to cry.

"Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! And then we're gonna live in a ranch and have 15 million kids! Mwahahahaha!" he said excitedly.

"STOP STOP STOP!!!!" Vincent screamed, clutching her hair desperately as the world spun round and round… 

And she just fainted in Sephiroth's arms.

"Awwww…. How romantic!" Scarlet and Elena said dreamily.

"Oh well…" Rufus shrugged.

"Oh, look at my beloved Vinny Baby, Rufus! She fainted in joy!" Sephiroth said happily, shedding a few tears of joy.

"Yeah… Yay…" Rufus said glumly with a sarcastic smile.

"What are you gonna do with her now, Sephiroth?" Elena asked. 

"If Vinny remains that way… Sephiroth will just have to give up on fighting us… hmm… and if Vinny turns back into a guy again, Sephiroth will get broken-hearted and he'll end up going crazy and he'll end up destroying everything again… I wonder… maybe Hojo's potion really helped… for the first time Hojo contributed something good…" Rufus was thinking with a sly smile on his face as he paced back and forth, just flipping his hair again and again… and so he looked ridiculous so everyone was really staring at him.

"Uh… why is he doing that?" Rude asked. 

"Dunno… maybe because Lockheart is running his way?" Reno said, shrugging. 

"What?! Where?!" Rufus suddenly said, making everyone go 'zooP!' at his direction. 

"Pah-fect, the maid of honor is here!" Sephiroth said. 

Tifa was running, the rest of the party marching behind her. "Oh, Vinny fainted in Sephiroth's arms!" she announced. 

"Baaah. How romantic," Cloud said, nodding. Aerith and Yuffie sighed in response. 

"Bwahahahah! That's so cute!" Cid said as he laughed out loud heartily.

"Everyone! Listen! Vinny is now my ever-beloved fiancée! We will get married TOMORROW! Mwahahahahahahahahaha!" Sephiroth said insanely.

Everyone was silent, just staring at him unbelievably. 

"Gee… that was fast…" Reeve said.

But Rufus decided to play with Sephiroth for a while. "Ahem, Mister Sephiroth… you know, these days, you just don't marry someone pronto! First comes the long courtship." He told him reassuringly with a kind smile on his face.

Sephiroth blinked. "Really?" he asked.

Cloud played along, "Yeah! Look at me, I'm still courting Aerith over here!" he said.

"Courtship, eh?" Sephiroth asked, looking down at Vinny. "How do you court someone?" he asked.

"Oh that's easy!" Tifa said.

"Yeah! Heeheehee! Give her flowers! Make her happy! Take her to long walks on the beach during sunset and sunrise…" Yuffie began.

"Yeah! And drown her and kiss her and roll over with her in the sand, you know like those corny romance movies you see? Heheheheheh!" Cloud said with a wink.

"And don't forget to say, '_Oh, darling. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways…'_ and you know how the rest of it goes," Aerith said with a poetic tone.

"Oh, and yeah, don't forget to lay her down in a bed of roses!" Rufus continued as he gave Sephiroth a friendly pat on the shoulder.

Vinny didn't really faint. She could hear them. And she wants to kill everyone… Yeah, her limit gauge was already glowing badly… 

"HRWAAAGGHHH!!!!" Vinny screamed. Then, she turned into that evah-beloved Chaos. 

Everyone but Sephiroth ran away screaming. He even hugged Vinny tightly. "Oh, Vinny Baby… even if you're a monster… I will still love you!" he said gently.

Vinny instantly turned back into her normal girl-self. "Oh for crying out loud! YOU'RE THE CHEESIEST GUY I'VE EVER KNOWN!" she screamed.

"I know… it's part of my genetic make-up, don't you know?" Sephiroth asked.

"But I'm older than you!" Vinny reasoned.

"I don't care. Age doesn't matter when it comes to love… besides, you look like you're only 20! Guess my age, c'mon!" he said.

"I don't know your friggin' age, lemme go, you sick cheesy maniac!" Vinny protested. "And for crying out loud! I'm like 57 already!" she yelled.

"But you look like 20!" Sephiroth repeated with an insane look in his eyes.

"NO!" Vinny pushed him away and she ended up running off again. "WHERE ARE THE OTHERS!!!???" she thought frantically. "Damn… this is stupid… why don't I just fight him and kill him… right… like I can do that… HE'S DISGUSTING ME!" she thought.

"Mwahahahahahaha—ngackt!!!!" Sephiroth's laugh was cut horribly short when a wire dangling with laundry got in his way as he was running after Vinny.

Fine, he's too tall.

He held his neck and muttered glumly, "Ow." And then ran off to Vinny again. 

Vinny didn't notice how tired she was… all that was in her mind was to run away from Sephiroth. Then, along the way, she felt the exhaustion catching up to her. "No… must… not… collapse… will… be… smooched… again if I do!!!" she said with fierce determination. "Oh, what have I done to deserve this?! The life I live is oh so sad…" and she looked up at the stars. "Oh, Lucrecia… can you see me from there? Your friggin' son is A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G!!!!!" and he just fell to the floor. From somewhere, he could hear a girl laughing…

Lucrecia was laughing at him.

"Damn," he cursed…

*** 

*** 

*** 

***

*** 

            "NO!" Vincent Valentine sat up, his body covered in cold sweat. He was panting hard and his eyes were wide in terror. 

He looked around, realizing that he was back in Tifa's house in Nibelheim. "Oh no… it's the same room…" he thought, then looking at himself, examining his body. He smiled victoriously. "I'M A MAN AGAIN!" he yelled happily, waking up the person sleeping on the floor. "Hey, keep that down!"

Vincent shut up and turned to Cloud. "Cloud! Where's Sephiroth?" he asked.

"What are you talking about? He's dead!" Cloud snapped.

"He's dead?" Vincent asked.

"Yeah, we killed him, remember?" Cloud replied sleepily.

"Uhm… what about Rufus?" Vincent asked.

"I don't know, what's wrong with you?! Stop asking questions; Just go to sleep," Cloud muttered.

Vincent sighed in relief as he lay down again with a contented smile on his face. He froze when he felt a pair of arms suddenly embracing him. "Uh… who's beside me again?" he asked Cloud.

"You hogged the bed, Tifa's downstairs with Aerith." Cloud replied.

Vincent shivered. "Aerith?" he asked. "Isn't she supposed to be dead like Sephiroth?" he asked nervously before nervously turning his gaze to the person embracing him as that person spoke up, "No, we're not, Vinny Baby!"

Vincent gasped. "SEPHIROTH?!?!?"

"mwahahahahahahahaha! Now you're mine, Vinny baby!" Sephiroth said, making a move to kiss him.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Vincent screamed.

*** 

*** 

*** 

            "Hey, hey, hey! Wake up! Vincent! Hey! Wake up!!!!!" Aerith kept on shaking him.

Cloud poured some water on Vincent's face but he still wouldn't wake up.

Red XIII approached him and bit Vincent's foot.

"YEEEOWCH!" Vincent jolted upright, but he landed on the floor. He was panting. "What the…" he said. He turned to them. "Where's Sephiroth?" he asked.

"He's dead," Cloud told him.

"I see… but what are you guys doing here?" Vincent asked as he stood up.

"You were having a nightmare," Aerith pointed out.

"I was?" Vincent asked in disbelief.

"Yeah. You were screaming and you woke us up because of that!" Cloud said.

"Oh… sorry about that," Vincent replied, making a mental note not to eat too much before going to bed… "Yeah… and the next time I run out of potions or remedies or elixirs or phoenix downs and I end up asking for some from Cloud, I will let Red XIII sniff it out first…" he thought miserably before climbing up on the bed again.

"You sure you're gonna be okay?" Aerith asked.

"Yeah." Vincent replied as he closed his eyes again, feeling more tired than before.

With that, Cloud, Aerith and Red XIII left the room.

"AERITH?" Vincent sat up. "She's supposed to be dead… what's she doing…" and then he saw another figure standing from across the room… that figure had long silver hair and he was wearing black.

The next thing Cloud, Aerith, Red XIII, Tifa, Barret, Yuffie and Cid heard was Vincent screaming, "AAAAAAAARRRGH!!!!!"

And yes, it was loud enough to reach the ShinRa HQ in Midgar.

Duh.

So, is it really a dream or not? :-)

Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

------------------------------------------------------------- 

-end?-


End file.
